Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Defeated and Done

Well I decided to take a step back from the scale. So for 14 days, I diligently exercised and kept a food diary. You want to know what the scale said this morning?? 150.6. That's right, its not a typo. 150.6. I'm still in the 150s. I've been in this number group since June. I must tell you that I'm to the breaking point. I'm literally busting my ass and this is what I get. Before stepping on the scale today, I had nothing but positive thoughts. My clothes are fitting better, I'm seeing more tone and definition in some areas, yet the scale knocked my clean off my high-horse. I feel stupid for admitting this but as I blog, I'm in tears. I only lost .2 pounds in TWO damn weeks. I could have sat my ass on the couch and did that. I'm to the point where I just want to raid the fridge and eat every bad thing I can get my hands on:(What is the point of being so dedicated to this journey but not seeing the results of my hard work? Why do I take my free time to exercise when I'm basically getting slapped in the face repeatedly?Unless you're on a similar journey, you will never understand my heartache. My husband didn't really know what to say to me this morning. He looked just as pathetic as I did. People tell me often that I motivate them, I'm doing a good job and one person even asked me to help them lose weight. How in the hell am I suppose to be a good motivator when I can't even get the ball moving again on my end?? I'm at the fork in the road and the options are this: on the left I see the healthy path of eating right and exercising; on the right I see the path of going back to that unhappy place and eating whatever the hell I want. I'm telling you right now that the right side is looking mighty good to me right now. Metaphorically speaking, this honestly feels like going to work overtime for months only to find out your not getting paid. I just feel like being done. I'm tired of beating myself up and feeling worn out because the scale keeps telling me I'm never going to reach my goal. I'm never going to be a weight loss success. I'm never going to win this battle.



Anonymous said...

Is it possible that 150 is your "healthy weight"?

Dee said...

I really don't think I'll be satisfied at being 150 for the rest of my life:(


Jen, a priorfatgirl said...

I sympathize with you sweetie but let's slow our roll here (our meaning me and you cuz I'm right there with ya!)

Here's the deal - we are doing all of this "busting my ass" as you wrote and for what? I KNOW that you and me struggle with letting the scale control our lives but guess what? We need to right here and now move beyond the scale. This point, this breaking point as you say is the moment you can either suck it up and be healthy for the rest of your life OR you can go down the path of eating what you want which means being overweight. What is your decision?

For me, I will keep fighting despite what the hell of a scale says. Are you game?

SofaMonkey said...

Hi Dee,

I understand your frustration. It's such crap when you do everything right and the scale doesn't budge. One thing I noticed that has helped me in the past bust up the weight a bit is something called "zig-zagging" your calories. You don't eat any less, but instead eat more calories on one day and less on the next - hence zig-zagging day to day. Apparently, this helps keep your body guessing.

Hang in there.

Shelley said...

I hear ya, Dee - and I'm right with you. It sucks, plain and simple, to work so hard and barely lose. I don't know what else to say because I'm having a day similar to yours...except that for me, there is no going back. Eating whatever I want is not an option, no matter how crummy I feel - and it's pretty crummy today. At least know that you have company, and maybe we'll all figure out this mystery together.

Hugs to you, my friend.

Dee said...

Thanks to all of you for your support and feedback.

Today I just felt really low and out of place. My energy level is super down and I think I'm beating myself up a little too hard. Some people would kill to be my weight as I was reminded repeatedly by some friends today:)I decided just to see what my recommended caloric intake should be and its suppose to be 1524. I've only been targeting 1200 for the last 3 months. I work out intensely, so with all of that I think my body is just preserving fat because it has nothing to hang on to because of the lack of calories(does that make sense?). So I've decided to try a 1400 calorie diet and see what results I get from that. I must admit that I'm actually terrified of eating more than 1200 because its been a habit for such a long time. I really appreciate you all supporting me. Here's to a better outlook on this very intense journey!